Features, The Stalk

Scary Shit Salem Psychics Have Said To Me

Last summer I was going through some stuff. A quarter-life crisis, if you will. And as any rational person would do, I sought consolation in the occult.

Bad move.

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I’m from a town in Massachusetts that was once a part of Salem– now home to modern day witches and other people who could easily be mistaken for Gerard Way.

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Salem is most known for killing innocent people in the name of Puritanism, and much less known but equally responsible for killing my dreams.

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The best psychics are said to be found in Salem, but hopefully that isn’t true. These are some highlights from my past readings:

DISCLAIMER: These are all 100% REAL.

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“I see you transferring this year to an all Jewish school.” *not Jewish*

“You have incredible psychic abilities.” *sees only darkness in own future*

“Do not go skiing.” *wasn’t planning on it *

“You have a lot of baggage from past relationships that you need to let go of.” *never been in a relationship or even remotely had feelings for anyone*

“You are a mess.” *accurate*

“You are in love with a married man, but you’re torn because you’re not a homewrecker.” *not in love* *actually okay with being a homewrecker*

“You need to have more sex.” *virgin*

“Music is not your forte.” *has already dedicated entire 20 years of life to music*

“You belong in musical theatre. Think Cats!” – same woman who said three minutes earlier that music was not my forte *has been completely terrified of Cats ever since seeing it as a child*

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“Your dream is to teach music theory, right?” *worst nightmare*

“You will most definitely never be in a band.” *dreams shattered*

“You can’t be alone forever.” *shatters other dream*

“You are going to have a lot of group projects this year. I know this is very hard for you to hear.” *still crying from last group project*

“Your ancestors were in the wine business and you had nice hair.” – after telling my friend that she was Joan of Arc in a past life *feels significantly inferior*

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“Drop out of school and always use condoms.” – days after I got off birth control and told my parents I was dropping out *tells parents it is a sign from god*

“You will meet him by the new year.” – on my future husband *alone*

“You’ll be in a relationship by the spring.” – on my future husband *still alone*

“You will meet him by the end of July.” – on my future husband  *forever alone*

“He’s borderline manic— all over the place really.” – on my future husband *I’ll take it*

“I have absolutely no idea what this means. I have never seen this before in my life. Very confusing. I am sorry for you.” – on the tarot deck displaying my love life *-___-*

“You’ll have a child, but you will not be prepared at all.” *cool*

“Your grandma will die after you give birth.” *tells grandma*

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Nana and me IN SALEM! She used to take me to all the witch museums growing up. Isn’t she the sweetest?

“You are a crystal child.” *finds on internet that this is just another way of saying I’m autistic* *not the first time someone’s told me in a nice way that I am autistic*

“Lisa is very sweet.” *has no idea who Lisa is*

“Your mom often thinks ‘Why isn’t my daughter great like me?'”  *she also verbalizes it*

“Dolly Parton and Bob Dylan are going to die soon.” *wow that sucks*

“Kimye are getting divorced.” *oh hell no*

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October 31, 2015

About Author

Krista Krista is a fervent nightcore enthusiast with an impressive collection of sloth-themed paraphernalia. When she is not busy convincing her co-workers that Christian rock is a worthwhile art form, she can be found making an ass out of herself in front of important people.


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