Features, The Stalk

Scary Shit Salem Psychics Have Said To Me

Last summer I was going through some stuff. A quarter-life crisis, if you will. And as any rational person would do, I sought consolation in the occult.

Bad move.


I’m from a town in Massachusetts that was once a part of Salem– now home to modern day witches and other people who could easily be mistaken for Gerard Way.


Salem is most known for killing innocent people in the name of Puritanism, and much less known but equally responsible for killing my dreams.


The best psychics are said to be found in Salem, but hopefully that isn’t true. These are some highlights from my past readings:

DISCLAIMER: These are all 100% REAL.


“I see you transferring this year to an all Jewish school.” *not Jewish*

“You have incredible psychic abilities.” *sees only darkness in own future*

“Do not go skiing.” *wasn’t planning on it *

“You have a lot of baggage from past relationships that you need to let go of.” *never been in a relationship or even remotely had feelings for anyone*

“You are a mess.” *accurate*

“You are in love with a married man, but you’re torn because you’re not a homewrecker.” *not in love* *actually okay with being a homewrecker*

“You need to have more sex.” *virgin*

“Music is not your forte.” *has already dedicated entire 20 years of life to music*

“You belong in musical theatre. Think Cats!” – same woman who said three minutes earlier that music was not my forte *has been completely terrified of Cats ever since seeing it as a child*


“Your dream is to teach music theory, right?” *worst nightmare*

“You will most definitely never be in a band.” *dreams shattered*

“You can’t be alone forever.” *shatters other dream*

“You are going to have a lot of group projects this year. I know this is very hard for you to hear.” *still crying from last group project*

“Your ancestors were in the wine business and you had nice hair.” – after telling my friend that she was Joan of Arc in a past life *feels significantly inferior*


“Drop out of school and always use condoms.” – days after I got off birth control and told my parents I was dropping out *tells parents it is a sign from god*

“You will meet him by the new year.” – on my future husband *alone*

“You’ll be in a relationship by the spring.” – on my future husband *still alone*

“You will meet him by the end of July.” – on my future husband  *forever alone*

“He’s borderline manic— all over the place really.” – on my future husband *I’ll take it*

“I have absolutely no idea what this means. I have never seen this before in my life. Very confusing. I am sorry for you.” – on the tarot deck displaying my love life *-___-*

“You’ll have a child, but you will not be prepared at all.” *cool*

“Your grandma will die after you give birth.” *tells grandma*

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Nana and me IN SALEM! She used to take me to all the witch museums growing up. Isn’t she the sweetest?

“You are a crystal child.” *finds on internet that this is just another way of saying I’m autistic* *not the first time someone’s told me in a nice way that I am autistic*

“Lisa is very sweet.” *has no idea who Lisa is*

“Your mom often thinks ‘Why isn’t my daughter great like me?'”  *she also verbalizes it*

“Dolly Parton and Bob Dylan are going to die soon.” *wow that sucks*

“Kimye are getting divorced.” *oh hell no*


October 31, 2015

About Author

Krista Krista is a fervent nightcore enthusiast with an impressive collection of sloth-themed paraphernalia. When she is not busy convincing her co-workers that Christian rock is a worthwhile art form, she can be found making an ass out of herself in front of important people.

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