Condescending Caress, Features, Reviews

The People Vs. OJ: A Visual Review

I don’t know if you’ve heard of this American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson show but I’ve been watching it and I’d like to bang out a few words about it before I throw my laptop across the room.

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First thing, I should probably contextualize how much I knew about the OJ case going into this show.

  1. I was convinced OJ was a baseball player.
  2. I thought this happened in any state but California.
  3. Given my prior knowledge, I was convinced he had done it.

I also did not know his nickname was “The Juice” and it took me like 4 episodes to realize why they called him that. But in my defense, I am a hard-working American citizen who actually calls orange juice “orange juice.”  Did I know anything surrounding the trial or the actual events that had transpired? Of course not! I’m a millennial! I don’t have time to dwell on whether OJ did it or not!

Little did I know, OJ grew up in my hometown of San Francisco and played for our team, the 49ers, which was my Halloween costume in the 4th grade.

So I’m assuming most Americans are a little more well-versed in the OJ case than I, so I’m going to skip all the stuff about how he may or may not have done it, all the evidence, what have you, and go straight to Tuesday night’s episode: “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia“.

You may all know Marcia Clark was a badass lady lawyer who was the lead prosecutor in the O.J. Simpson trial. She truly is portrayed as a badass, with her stressed out smoking, tequila in her filing cabinet, and her “fuck you, fuck your worth” attitude. If I had to be adopted by anyone on this show, I would probably pick her, except for she would probably not be allowed to adopt since she already leaves her existing children at home while she works late. This is something she gets a lot of flak for, like god forbid she is a high profile lawyer and also an adult woman with children that she needs to take care of.

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I have to tell you about how infuriating this episode was regarding Marcia Clark. So yes, she is a bad ass lawyer lady who is unapologetically assertive and confrontational in the courtroom, as you would want a lawyer to be. But apparently in the 90s being a good lady lawyer meant looking “soft” and acting “feminine”, whatever that really means. Throughout this episode, poor baby Marcia is persecuted for literally existing as a human woman in the 1990s.

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The People criticize her haircut, so she goes from the Kenny G hair to the Phil Spector hair, and people still make fun of her and this lady cannot catch a break. I mean, in her defense, she could have done a million more things with her hair than just cutting it shorter, but such is the way of life.

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I’d just like to point out that while all of this is happening to the only female seemingly involved in the trial, the all-male dream team on the defense side is literally goofing off and being shitty humans and no one bats an eyelash. It’s fucking ridiculous. They literally are the 90s Nancy Grace, making wild accusations and throwing around the N word in a publicly televised high profile trial. And the media is more concerned with Marcia’s haircut? Are you kidding me, 90s society? Thank god I was a baby then and have no conscious recollection of being alive.

Later on, something even more infuriating happened, and that was Marcia’s ex husband before her most recent ex-husband leaked a photo of her naked on the beach. I mean ok it’s one thing to put up a nude that someone sent you on a revenge porn site, but when you purposefully send a photo of your ex-wife from a while ago with intentions to harm her reputation in the media, that’s just called bullying. Marcia understandably breaks down crying after seeing it in a tabloid, but what’s amazing is she goes back to the courtroom and cries in the lawyer chair in the courtroom! I would have just run away! You go Marcia.

me irl watching this episode

me irl watching this episode

She has this crying on the floor scene at the end where she’s sad because she’s not used to the public scrutiny of being high-profile and basically has her Marcia Brady “I’m ugly!” moment. Her very nice (and hot) lawyer friend then sits with her on the floor and tells her he thought her nudes were hot, which was a perfect ending to the episode.

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A word on the nice (and hot) lawyer friend: When is he going to make out with Marcia??? There’s too much sexual tension in their scenes together and I can’t handle it. As I was watching, I was yelling at the TV like I was watching a football game, but like “OH MY GOD JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY!”

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So what do you guys think of the show so far? Are Marcia Clark’s nudes hot? Did the nice (and hot) lawyer friend have great abs or what? And most importantly, did OJ do it?

 

did you ???

did you ???

March 11, 2016

About Author

Reina Shinohara Reina is a person who just found out she's from the snobbiest city in California. You can find her at a cafe sipping unreasonably priced artisan coffee writing a condescending tweet that will probably stay in her unpublished drafts.


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