Features, Tinder Fuckbois

Introducing: Fuckbois of Tinder

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Despite a broad array of well-executed, high quality music, I had been meandering in SoundCloud purgatory at some 30 meager followers for months. I knew it was time to take my career to the next level. I had two options: make better music and work earnestly towards developing a genuine, invested fan base, or use my innocent farm girl persona and obscenely edited selfies to reel in unsuspecting men on Tinder, and direct their thirst to my musical projects for personal advancement. Like any forward-thinking entrepreneur, I chose the latter.

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 11.10.38 AM

Equipped with a succinct but perfectly effective bio, I embarked on a new and exciting Tinder journey at the end of February and haven’t looked back since. What I have found to be almost more exciting than the number of men eager to compliment my Bieber cover out of pure respect for my craft, and with absolutely no ulterior motive or “netflix and chill” agenda, is the mass of unapologetic, stage 5, textbook fuckbois that inhabit Tinderland. Never in my wildest dreams could I have conjured up a group of men so terribly endearing and perfect for novelty Twitter account material as these guys.

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 11.09.54 AM

And so Twitter account I did. As if I needed yet another mindless activity to distract me from my search for pop superstardom…

Below are ten diverse and exotic picks from this week’s batch of fuckboi. For real-time updates on all of your favorite humble NYC bachelors, be sure to follow @tinderfuckbois. Will follow back 😉

UG, the OG fuckboi. He eats his pizza like he Tinders– the wrong way!

Extra points for the effortless d.i.y. v-neck, but Max still has a lifetime of apologizing to do for this one.

1% cashmere sweater, 99% fuckboi mindset. Don’t be fooled by Michael’s “loving, attentive, boy next door” exterior; he knows what he’s doing.

We’re all rooting for Adam, but it looks like it may be too late.

“The ladies love Hillary,” they said. “Do it for the ‘gram,” they said.

If Camilo can’t win you over with his blatant exploitation of the disabled, let him woo you with a Trump-referencing bio from hell.

So close, yet so far.

He had us at “hedge fund.”

Nihil only listens to “real music” like Steely Dan and The Velvet Underground. He’s a self-proclaimed “meninist” and loves talking 9/11 conspiracy theories with potential suitors.

Stephen knows there is nothing emotionally stable, security-seeking young women love more than a man with an impractically large, violent piece of machinery.

March 7, 2016

About Author

Krista Krista is a fervent nightcore enthusiast with an impressive collection of sloth-themed paraphernalia. When she is not busy convincing her co-workers that Christian rock is a worthwhile art form, she can be found making an ass out of herself in front of important people.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *