“Enter at Your Own Risk” — we, being a culturally apt bunch, all know that when this decaying sign creeps into the scene the director is queuing up the distorted, screeching violins; the bats fly out of their cave ; Shaggy jumps into Scooby’s arms, and pregnant women are advised to advert their eyes. After independent films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre saw great box office success, Hollywood created the ratings system to follow the trend of blood and gore : R movies were for first dates and masochists and PG films for wholesome, church-going folk and young children.
R-rated films draw a crowd of the “self-proclaimed courageous” — people who boast the next day about how the film wasn’t really scary.
These people continue to exist outside the confines of the stale popcorn aroma-ed room, filled with underpaid teenagers serving you that double XL soda – and (from what I’ve gathered) they love the internet. Everyone loves the internet, yes but “everyone” loves the Facebooks, Buzzfeeds, & Reddits of the web: the Pixars and other miscellaneous PG-rated films of the industry. The R-rated enthusiasts of which I speak are those who forge the frontier on the tenth page of a Google search.
These people are terrible, but then again everyone is terrible.
Without these people we wouldn’t have many of the creature comforts we’ve become accustomed to: unicorn videos on your timeline or news feed that try to sell you cleverly named step stools that will supposedly help you better answer nature’s call,
not-edited-at-all videos of Obama singing Thriller (just in time for Halloween),
The deep web’s existence is only remembered on occasion because these people have ample free-time to hang around dark places they probably shouldn’t be — this wasn’t a bad thing in the plot of Return of the Living Dead and it isn’t bad for the general intrigue of the internet.
What I am proposing to you, my faithful following, is to go forth and upload my preachings and uninstall the framework of your regular web-browsing: plunder the unrated and darker parts of the web (safely, of course – I’m sure there aren’t really any dead bodies littering the latter pages of a Google search), watch those B-rated horror films (Toxic Avenger is a great film to start) — go forth and be not boring!
(There are even ways to not be boring on big name websites, I am no underdog-purist. Youtube, of course has some real gold on there – and don’t be afraid to check out Youtube’s more artistic cousin who went to Pratt but dropped out because living in Brooklyn is just too mainstream now, Vimeo. Google Trends is another really cool site worth checking out — a cool one in time for Halloween is Fright Geist which allows all you not-hipsters the luxury of knowing which costumes are most popular this year — for all my New York City subscribers, your pizza rat costume is safe).
The beauty of the internet is how people expose their time-begrudged projects online for the world to chuckle at, but laziness dictates that everyone would rather browse their Facebook timeline staring at barely interesting videos that will undoubtedly yield “LOL”; “so funnyy!!”; “im dying” when in actuality the people didn’t even chuckle and, I assure you, aren’t dying.
I really wanna drive this point home — the internet is your friend, it’s just not Facebook official.
“Browsing the Internet Like You Give a Shit” website starter kit (+ Halloween tunes):
(G – Imagine if Pixar shorts had a twice removed uncle)
(PG 13 — some NSFW content but nothing more dicey than getting to 2nd base)
(PG — for those who are too cool for Pinterst)
(PG 13 – jiggly, jiggly, long, hot dog-shaped thingy)